You'll never make me stay
So take your weight off of me
I know your every move
So won't you just let me be
I've been here times before
But I was to blind to see
That you seduce every girl
This time you won't seduce me
He's saying that's ok
Hey baby do what you please
I have the stuff the you want
I am the thing that you need
Oh, have mercy!
What am I fighting this for, again?
Whew. Excuse me. I need to, um, get some . . .
Some AIR! Damnit. Oh, have mercy!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Something Is Wrong With Me
All I want to do is whine, bitch, moan, and complain. It's not all bad, though. I'm just . . . unhappy.
I should be thrilled. Well. Shouldn't I?
9 weeks ago I had 17 severely emotionally/behaviorally handicapped kids and all but one of them also has some degree of MR.
Now, I have 10 (some went to high school, some were kicked out of school) and they can all, for the most part, sit in their desks and stay mostly on task. They ARE all learning, and that's the biggest deal for me, after getting their behavior to a point where I'm reasonably sure none of them are going to try to kill any of the others of them.
Now, I only have to deal with stuff like:
A kid's mom, who will NOT answer the phone if the number is from school, calling directly to my classroom and cussing her kid out over the phone for wearing the wrong pair of shoes to school. (This woman sings in the church choir.)
A thirteen year old MR girl who is very over sexed and touches herself in class for the attention of the boys.
A child who comes to school with cigarette burns on his face and a school counselor/principal who do nothing about it. I did it myself, but if anyone finds out, I'm likely to face reprisal.
One of my favorites who gets hospitalized with sever seizures.
Complete isolation from other staff who fear my classroom.
A petty, vindictive boss (I have a lot of bosses, this is just one) who is standing in my way instead of trying to communicate. And right now her mother is deathly ill and I can't really take this up with her.
Administration that "forgets" to make schedules for my students for a month. "Forgets" that my students need to use the library, too. Refuses to allow my students to attend school Assemblies or pep rallies. Hell, my students aren't even allowed to use the same restrooms as the other kids.
I have to attend meetings, but if I try to contribute I'm deliberately spoken over.
I don't know why it needs to be like this. I had no idea that it could be this hard. And I feel really torn and frustrated with myself for feeling torn about it.
I managed not to sleep with the Spaniard again. That's good. That took a lot of will power! But this way I get to be his friend. He knows me well and always comments on how unhappy I am. I hate that, but he's right. He just is.
And again I have to face the fact that maybe I just am not cut out to be a regular American with a regular job. I want, so much, to be able to fit here. To make some kind of permanent tie to some place where I can BE for a long time.
But the people here, for the most part, are so small minded. I will NEVER EVER find a man who is willing to travel with me. Hell, it's not likely I'll ever even find one who can keep up with me intellectually. Not that I'm such hot shit, just that it's just not here. I like the Spaniard so much, and am so tempted by him, because he's an equal in the brains and whits department. God, he's so much fun to talk to! I'd love to find that in someone that I could actually BE with. That's just not available here.
I think of moving back to Taiwan all the time. I do remember the bad with the good, too. I just felt so much more alive, most of the time, there than I do here. But if I don't feel like I fit in here, how in the world is it that I feel I belong there?
Anyway, maybe I just need dreams of escape to be able not to suffocate? But I'm praying that I'll make a real, positive impact in the lives of my students this year, and then that I won't screw my own child's life up next year by moving him again.
Today was a pretty good day, over all, and it still left me in tears. And I'm a person who almost never cries because I hate crying so much. I've cried three times in these last nine weeks. Something is wrong with me.
I should be thrilled. Well. Shouldn't I?
9 weeks ago I had 17 severely emotionally/behaviorally handicapped kids and all but one of them also has some degree of MR.
Now, I have 10 (some went to high school, some were kicked out of school) and they can all, for the most part, sit in their desks and stay mostly on task. They ARE all learning, and that's the biggest deal for me, after getting their behavior to a point where I'm reasonably sure none of them are going to try to kill any of the others of them.
Now, I only have to deal with stuff like:
A kid's mom, who will NOT answer the phone if the number is from school, calling directly to my classroom and cussing her kid out over the phone for wearing the wrong pair of shoes to school. (This woman sings in the church choir.)
A thirteen year old MR girl who is very over sexed and touches herself in class for the attention of the boys.
A child who comes to school with cigarette burns on his face and a school counselor/principal who do nothing about it. I did it myself, but if anyone finds out, I'm likely to face reprisal.
One of my favorites who gets hospitalized with sever seizures.
Complete isolation from other staff who fear my classroom.
A petty, vindictive boss (I have a lot of bosses, this is just one) who is standing in my way instead of trying to communicate. And right now her mother is deathly ill and I can't really take this up with her.
Administration that "forgets" to make schedules for my students for a month. "Forgets" that my students need to use the library, too. Refuses to allow my students to attend school Assemblies or pep rallies. Hell, my students aren't even allowed to use the same restrooms as the other kids.
I have to attend meetings, but if I try to contribute I'm deliberately spoken over.
I don't know why it needs to be like this. I had no idea that it could be this hard. And I feel really torn and frustrated with myself for feeling torn about it.
I managed not to sleep with the Spaniard again. That's good. That took a lot of will power! But this way I get to be his friend. He knows me well and always comments on how unhappy I am. I hate that, but he's right. He just is.
And again I have to face the fact that maybe I just am not cut out to be a regular American with a regular job. I want, so much, to be able to fit here. To make some kind of permanent tie to some place where I can BE for a long time.
But the people here, for the most part, are so small minded. I will NEVER EVER find a man who is willing to travel with me. Hell, it's not likely I'll ever even find one who can keep up with me intellectually. Not that I'm such hot shit, just that it's just not here. I like the Spaniard so much, and am so tempted by him, because he's an equal in the brains and whits department. God, he's so much fun to talk to! I'd love to find that in someone that I could actually BE with. That's just not available here.
I think of moving back to Taiwan all the time. I do remember the bad with the good, too. I just felt so much more alive, most of the time, there than I do here. But if I don't feel like I fit in here, how in the world is it that I feel I belong there?
Anyway, maybe I just need dreams of escape to be able not to suffocate? But I'm praying that I'll make a real, positive impact in the lives of my students this year, and then that I won't screw my own child's life up next year by moving him again.
Today was a pretty good day, over all, and it still left me in tears. And I'm a person who almost never cries because I hate crying so much. I've cried three times in these last nine weeks. Something is wrong with me.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Put a Candle in the Window
Man, that song is killing me.
Anyway, I knew what I wanted to say yesterday, but now it's all gone. I'm in the library rushing to write something.
Ohh! The Spaniard. When I get the words together, I'll let you know. I doubt I'll tell you what they are, though!
Ohh! The stress! My job is killing me. I sat in the assistant principal's office and cried like a baby after school today! I'm not a teacher. I'm a social worker with no power and authority. I don't even have a clue how to write a damn lesson plan like this.
I'm constantly out of the room to have a confrence with some kid's parents or counselor. The mom today has threatened to call the police twice because she has to come get her child. His behavior is so that he simply can't sit in a regular classroom all day. He was in another school at the beginning of the year, but got transferred to my classroom after that teacher complained of having him in her class.
And that's it. My class is the garbage heap, the dump where unwanted kids are discarded. This child's mother said she couldn't come back to school for another meeting, necessary because she refused to do what she needed to do at this one, because she is busy the rest of the week with a hair appointment.
This is not even the worst I've seen from parents already in this first 4 weeks of school.
I either have to quit caring about these kids, or quit this job. There is nothing I can do. I can't even do anything with the ones I could do something with because I can't stay in class enough because of all the confrences with momma, or daddy, or aunty, or parole officer, or counselor, or doctor, or case manager. God in Heaven!
But--last week one student told me he loves me. I believe him. I was shocked, 'cause I'm tough as nails in the classroom, but I believe him. And today, like five students just came in and started doing their work--what they were supposed to be doing, the way they were supposed to be doing it! It was like a miracle!
Or A Mercy, another wonderful new novel from Toni Morrison that I got to read last weekend. She never fails to take my breath away. Read it, if you dare!
Anyway, I knew what I wanted to say yesterday, but now it's all gone. I'm in the library rushing to write something.
Ohh! The Spaniard. When I get the words together, I'll let you know. I doubt I'll tell you what they are, though!
Ohh! The stress! My job is killing me. I sat in the assistant principal's office and cried like a baby after school today! I'm not a teacher. I'm a social worker with no power and authority. I don't even have a clue how to write a damn lesson plan like this.
I'm constantly out of the room to have a confrence with some kid's parents or counselor. The mom today has threatened to call the police twice because she has to come get her child. His behavior is so that he simply can't sit in a regular classroom all day. He was in another school at the beginning of the year, but got transferred to my classroom after that teacher complained of having him in her class.
And that's it. My class is the garbage heap, the dump where unwanted kids are discarded. This child's mother said she couldn't come back to school for another meeting, necessary because she refused to do what she needed to do at this one, because she is busy the rest of the week with a hair appointment.
This is not even the worst I've seen from parents already in this first 4 weeks of school.
I either have to quit caring about these kids, or quit this job. There is nothing I can do. I can't even do anything with the ones I could do something with because I can't stay in class enough because of all the confrences with momma, or daddy, or aunty, or parole officer, or counselor, or doctor, or case manager. God in Heaven!
But--last week one student told me he loves me. I believe him. I was shocked, 'cause I'm tough as nails in the classroom, but I believe him. And today, like five students just came in and started doing their work--what they were supposed to be doing, the way they were supposed to be doing it! It was like a miracle!
Or A Mercy, another wonderful new novel from Toni Morrison that I got to read last weekend. She never fails to take my breath away. Read it, if you dare!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Oye Como Va El Ritmo Del Rio!
What, like, people are READING this stuff? Oh, shit, I guess I better be more careful about what I write. Well, at least the only people reading are the GREATEST ones in the world!
Yes, it's tough at the moment, but we might make it. We're staying in Memphis, which is about an hour from where I'll be teaching. I have an old friend living there. She's Spanish, living with her friend and her boyfriend, so the house is a great place to practice listening skills again, maybe some speaking, eventually.
This is okay for now, and I plan to commute for inservice, but I can't do that when school starts and it's a lot of gas. School starts on the 18th, so I hope to stay in a crappy hotel until Sept. 1. I'll be paid from ETS sometime in the 3rd week of August--the check has to be forwarded here to a p.o. box. Then the first pay from school is August 31. So it will be by the skin of my teeth that I'm able to afford the crappy hotel for a couple of weeks, if I can. The hotel is full now of coal plant workers just like everything else in town. There's a town house opening up Sept. 1 and I'm supposed to have the first crack at that. So, the crappy hotel is overpriced, of course. There are only two hotels in town, too--the crappy one and the just slightly less crappy one.
But today I'm in Memphis, baby! I can't wait unitl I can come back and go to Beal St. and Graceland! Wearing my CCR tape out, too. I took my boy to a children's museum today. It was a lot of fun and I had to drag him out of there. Frederico has set up his Guitar Hero game now, and my boy is trying to Beat It. (Yes, with the newly flooded airways, my boy has become a fan of The Gloved One.)
I'm excited and nervous. There are too many things to be done and no way to do them at the moment. I wish they would let me see the classroom already and give me a list of names, at least, of my students.
Oh, and I got to speak a little Mandarin today at the museum. That was cool. Messes with my brain, though, to try to code swich. I actually still have better Mandarin than Spanish, I think, or maybe it's all this Castillian I'm getting when I was just getting used to the the 'Rican. (My boy just said, "Whoo-hoo, I rock!")
I think I like being here so much at the moment because I don't have to be an American. That seem out of left field? Well, it's not. I've been so homesick for Taiwan these days. I'm burned out on the American thing. I get to be a Spaniard for a few days. Esta bien!
One more thing--another school district called to offer me a position as ESL co-ordinator for the entire district, a new position they've just created, on just my resume and transcripts, no face-to-face interview! I'm too far into this one to back out now, and that one actually pays less anyay, but, um, I'm the shizzle, y'all!
I guess this is a bit scattered, so Oye como va el ritmo!
Yes, it's tough at the moment, but we might make it. We're staying in Memphis, which is about an hour from where I'll be teaching. I have an old friend living there. She's Spanish, living with her friend and her boyfriend, so the house is a great place to practice listening skills again, maybe some speaking, eventually.
This is okay for now, and I plan to commute for inservice, but I can't do that when school starts and it's a lot of gas. School starts on the 18th, so I hope to stay in a crappy hotel until Sept. 1. I'll be paid from ETS sometime in the 3rd week of August--the check has to be forwarded here to a p.o. box. Then the first pay from school is August 31. So it will be by the skin of my teeth that I'm able to afford the crappy hotel for a couple of weeks, if I can. The hotel is full now of coal plant workers just like everything else in town. There's a town house opening up Sept. 1 and I'm supposed to have the first crack at that. So, the crappy hotel is overpriced, of course. There are only two hotels in town, too--the crappy one and the just slightly less crappy one.
But today I'm in Memphis, baby! I can't wait unitl I can come back and go to Beal St. and Graceland! Wearing my CCR tape out, too. I took my boy to a children's museum today. It was a lot of fun and I had to drag him out of there. Frederico has set up his Guitar Hero game now, and my boy is trying to Beat It. (Yes, with the newly flooded airways, my boy has become a fan of The Gloved One.)
I'm excited and nervous. There are too many things to be done and no way to do them at the moment. I wish they would let me see the classroom already and give me a list of names, at least, of my students.
Oh, and I got to speak a little Mandarin today at the museum. That was cool. Messes with my brain, though, to try to code swich. I actually still have better Mandarin than Spanish, I think, or maybe it's all this Castillian I'm getting when I was just getting used to the the 'Rican. (My boy just said, "Whoo-hoo, I rock!")
I think I like being here so much at the moment because I don't have to be an American. That seem out of left field? Well, it's not. I've been so homesick for Taiwan these days. I'm burned out on the American thing. I get to be a Spaniard for a few days. Esta bien!
One more thing--another school district called to offer me a position as ESL co-ordinator for the entire district, a new position they've just created, on just my resume and transcripts, no face-to-face interview! I'm too far into this one to back out now, and that one actually pays less anyay, but, um, I'm the shizzle, y'all!
I guess this is a bit scattered, so Oye como va el ritmo!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I'm so special!
Yea! I got the job! In fact, I was asked to choose which job I wanted--how cool is THAT!!? No one gets that. I got to choose betwen 7th and 8th grade Englsih Language Arts, and 4-8 Special Ed. I chose Special Ed.
And then they said . . . .
You have to be here in four days for new teacher orientation and inservice begins three days after that.
Four days to move three hundred miles! Yes, three HUNDRED MILES! It was 70 bucks just for gas up there and back for the two interviews--that's seventy dollars each trip.
So, I'm flat broke. I have to pay rent for August here, but don't have that because I spent it on gas. Hopefully, they'll wait a couple of weeks. I don't have money to rent anything up there--not that there's anything to rent. They're building a coal powered electricity plant and everything has been rented and bought by people working on that. It's a very small place, evening population less than 800, and that plant has attracted a lot of people.
I'm praying to be able to borrow an rv and live in it for a couple of months--unitl I get paid on the Sept. 20. So what do I do with my stuff? I don't have a lot, but . . . . . If I sell it, I have some cash, not a lot. If I keep it, I need cash to store it. If I sell it I have NOTHING and have to start from scratch again.
I tell my son we're embarking on an adventure. How special is that?
I have found that I have a real friend in my mentor teacher. She's being wonderfully supportive. I'm very greatful to her!
And then they said . . . .
You have to be here in four days for new teacher orientation and inservice begins three days after that.
Four days to move three hundred miles! Yes, three HUNDRED MILES! It was 70 bucks just for gas up there and back for the two interviews--that's seventy dollars each trip.
So, I'm flat broke. I have to pay rent for August here, but don't have that because I spent it on gas. Hopefully, they'll wait a couple of weeks. I don't have money to rent anything up there--not that there's anything to rent. They're building a coal powered electricity plant and everything has been rented and bought by people working on that. It's a very small place, evening population less than 800, and that plant has attracted a lot of people.
I'm praying to be able to borrow an rv and live in it for a couple of months--unitl I get paid on the Sept. 20. So what do I do with my stuff? I don't have a lot, but . . . . . If I sell it, I have some cash, not a lot. If I keep it, I need cash to store it. If I sell it I have NOTHING and have to start from scratch again.
I tell my son we're embarking on an adventure. How special is that?
I have found that I have a real friend in my mentor teacher. She's being wonderfully supportive. I'm very greatful to her!
Letter From Home
Letter From Home
There was a storm
Last night
Lightning and wind
Darkness rumbling through the air
Today, as I drove
Highway 9,
Ola to Morrilton,
I was seduced
Again
By blue sky
Like ocean plains
And clouds born of some artist’s brush
Casting shadows
On the hills
Painting the trees
Light green here
Dark green there
Rolling the hills
Back from the rice fields
Flooded with mirrors
A chicken house
Arthritic With disrepair
Its tin roof
Bleeding rust
A grain colored horse tail
Threshing flies
If I could see them,
They would glint
June Bug Green
Or Electric Blue
My eyes
And my heart
Were intoxicated
By the beauty
Of the everyday
Decay
And I thought of you
I am here
My feet on the ground
I am home
You should come home
There was a storm
Last night
Lightning and wind
Darkness rumbling through the air
Today, as I drove
Highway 9,
Ola to Morrilton,
I was seduced
Again
By blue sky
Like ocean plains
And clouds born of some artist’s brush
Casting shadows
On the hills
Painting the trees
Light green here
Dark green there
Rolling the hills
Back from the rice fields
Flooded with mirrors
A chicken house
Arthritic With disrepair
Its tin roof
Bleeding rust
A grain colored horse tail
Threshing flies
If I could see them,
They would glint
June Bug Green
Or Electric Blue
My eyes
And my heart
Were intoxicated
By the beauty
Of the everyday
Decay
And I thought of you
I am here
My feet on the ground
I am home
You should come home
Thursday, July 9, 2009
"You're so Special."
In Taiwan, when someone tells you your so special it means you're strange, stupid, or something else perhaps less than flattering.
I hope I'm special enough to get hired in a week or so. I have an interview early next week to teach Special Ed. I really like the thought of this. I hate the thought of having to stay here and teach English to high school kids. Reading is terrific, but grammar rules and their employ are just about the most torturously boring things in the world to try to get teens to pay attention to. No fun for anyone.
I feel like I'd have much more to offer to Special Ed kids. I've worked for the government and know of resources that many times parents don't know about. I've worked with handicapped kids and grown ups and found it very rewarding. The less like everyone else you are, the more acceptable it becomes to be an individual and to celebrate your uniqueness and your accomplishments, large and small. It's different scales, I guess; ones that value life over fashion and coolness, or whatever.
I loved the time I spent in the Special Ed classroom as a sub. I was planning to try to teach ESL, but seriously began to consider the Special Ed option when I started subbing in the self-contained classroom. I loved it. But I finished my degree as I ran out of funds and can't study any further without finding sponsorship.
The district, if I'm hired, should be willing to pay for the classes--good thing, too because I need about 30 more hours for this specialization! But working in this field means that I'm likely to get most of my loans paid off, so there's that.
If you're reading, wish me luck!
I hope I'm special enough to get hired in a week or so. I have an interview early next week to teach Special Ed. I really like the thought of this. I hate the thought of having to stay here and teach English to high school kids. Reading is terrific, but grammar rules and their employ are just about the most torturously boring things in the world to try to get teens to pay attention to. No fun for anyone.
I feel like I'd have much more to offer to Special Ed kids. I've worked for the government and know of resources that many times parents don't know about. I've worked with handicapped kids and grown ups and found it very rewarding. The less like everyone else you are, the more acceptable it becomes to be an individual and to celebrate your uniqueness and your accomplishments, large and small. It's different scales, I guess; ones that value life over fashion and coolness, or whatever.
I loved the time I spent in the Special Ed classroom as a sub. I was planning to try to teach ESL, but seriously began to consider the Special Ed option when I started subbing in the self-contained classroom. I loved it. But I finished my degree as I ran out of funds and can't study any further without finding sponsorship.
The district, if I'm hired, should be willing to pay for the classes--good thing, too because I need about 30 more hours for this specialization! But working in this field means that I'm likely to get most of my loans paid off, so there's that.
If you're reading, wish me luck!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Dandy
Today is July 4, my fav holiday. I always feel homesick on this day if I'm away. This year is gonna be kinda lame, I think, but at least I'm here. I've got to jump in the tub and then get to my friend's place for grillin' n grinning. Afterword, we're supposed to go see the fireworks over the dam.
Why is this my fav holiday? You don't have to have family to participate, there's very little consumerism, a steak is great, but a hot dog is fine, and you get to see fireworks--which means you get to be outside at night under the stars until they get blown out of the heavens (or at least obscured by the smoke after the fire works). And my favorite Chinese expression is "fire flowers" which is what they call fireworks in the sky--different than before they're lit. I love the distinction and the lovely, accurate phraseology.
Maybe if I hurry up, I can get my friend to watch my son while I drive 20 miles out of town and buy myself a girl beer. Nah. I'm dreaming. Wouldn't a margarita machine be cool at a cookout, though? She won't go for that either. God Bless America--especially the dry counties!!
Why is this my fav holiday? You don't have to have family to participate, there's very little consumerism, a steak is great, but a hot dog is fine, and you get to see fireworks--which means you get to be outside at night under the stars until they get blown out of the heavens (or at least obscured by the smoke after the fire works). And my favorite Chinese expression is "fire flowers" which is what they call fireworks in the sky--different than before they're lit. I love the distinction and the lovely, accurate phraseology.
Maybe if I hurry up, I can get my friend to watch my son while I drive 20 miles out of town and buy myself a girl beer. Nah. I'm dreaming. Wouldn't a margarita machine be cool at a cookout, though? She won't go for that either. God Bless America--especially the dry counties!!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Made in Indonesia kiss
I'm thinking of you tonight and your kiss. It's been almost 15 years and I still remember. I'll never forget. And I guess I'll never stop missing you. If you happen to find this, I'm sorry.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Brrrrpp! Pardon me.
Walked across the stage without falling on my face. My son, according to the babysitter I hired, spent most of the long, boring ceremony intentionally burping.
Now, if anyone out there is reading this, just kindly tell me what I should do with my life now. I've been contacted by a new American school in Hsinchu about teaching there. Just contacted, so don't know any details yet.
If I'm honest, I really, really want to go back. I have no idea if this is the best thing or not. I could find a job here. I may be able to find one TX near my mother. But I feel dreary and tired just thinking about working in the States. I don't know why. And of course, the Taiwan option is not without problems. And my poor mother is so sad and lonely.
My brother stopped by her room on his way to work yesterday (Mother's Day) for about 5 minutes, she said, and brought her, a diabetic, a bag of chocolates as a gift. And this after his wife yelled at her on the phone for asking for money to buy soft drinks.
I realize that my mother needs me, and I care very much. But she's sooo needy and I'm afraid I can't handle it. This has not been easy at all. Writing this, I think I like the Taiwan option because it's easier for me. I've been through so much tough stuff, for so long, that I'm really quite worn out in many ways.
I guess I'm pretty damn tough. I'm tougher than I thought, I guess. But I do really need some down time. Something has to give or I just will not be able to maintain. I can't see myself trying to get a job, move, move my mother, or move all the way to TX to be near her and having to deal with my brother's family and their sh*t, and then starting the new job.
The job in Taiwan will be settled, if I get it, in a week or two. That lets me off the hook for job searching, gives me a month or two for just enjoying my boy and getting ready to go, gives me a life already pretty well set up when I get there, and I'll have the support of some friends and ex-family members when I get there.
In other words, a break and a soft landing in a place I love and miss v/s a scramble for interviews and a difficult move with lots of drama if I stay here. I wish I could say I know my mom would do it for me. Well, she would now, I'm pretty sure, but she wouldn't always have, I don't think. Still, she only has so long. And once she's gone I'll likely never talk to my brother again. God!
I really need the stress to stop. I want it to be okay to just be who I am. I didn't choose the way I grew up and how it's affected my family, but this is a consequence of that. I know I won't regret spending time with my mom, but I'm not sure I can stand the stress of it, either.
Now, if anyone out there is reading this, just kindly tell me what I should do with my life now. I've been contacted by a new American school in Hsinchu about teaching there. Just contacted, so don't know any details yet.
If I'm honest, I really, really want to go back. I have no idea if this is the best thing or not. I could find a job here. I may be able to find one TX near my mother. But I feel dreary and tired just thinking about working in the States. I don't know why. And of course, the Taiwan option is not without problems. And my poor mother is so sad and lonely.
My brother stopped by her room on his way to work yesterday (Mother's Day) for about 5 minutes, she said, and brought her, a diabetic, a bag of chocolates as a gift. And this after his wife yelled at her on the phone for asking for money to buy soft drinks.
I realize that my mother needs me, and I care very much. But she's sooo needy and I'm afraid I can't handle it. This has not been easy at all. Writing this, I think I like the Taiwan option because it's easier for me. I've been through so much tough stuff, for so long, that I'm really quite worn out in many ways.
I guess I'm pretty damn tough. I'm tougher than I thought, I guess. But I do really need some down time. Something has to give or I just will not be able to maintain. I can't see myself trying to get a job, move, move my mother, or move all the way to TX to be near her and having to deal with my brother's family and their sh*t, and then starting the new job.
The job in Taiwan will be settled, if I get it, in a week or two. That lets me off the hook for job searching, gives me a month or two for just enjoying my boy and getting ready to go, gives me a life already pretty well set up when I get there, and I'll have the support of some friends and ex-family members when I get there.
In other words, a break and a soft landing in a place I love and miss v/s a scramble for interviews and a difficult move with lots of drama if I stay here. I wish I could say I know my mom would do it for me. Well, she would now, I'm pretty sure, but she wouldn't always have, I don't think. Still, she only has so long. And once she's gone I'll likely never talk to my brother again. God!
I really need the stress to stop. I want it to be okay to just be who I am. I didn't choose the way I grew up and how it's affected my family, but this is a consequence of that. I know I won't regret spending time with my mom, but I'm not sure I can stand the stress of it, either.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
That's a Wrap!
Okay, read back through the blog a little and realized that I never get around to updating anything. Yes, I passed that test I was worried about. Yes, I passed all courses and got everything in--though not without inexplicable trouble with the computer program that took hours and HOURS to work out. Nope, no one is going to graduation and yes, I'm going to pay one of my students to go with me.
Yes, I know my friends aren't proper "friends" any more, but they're the closest I have to life long friends. Plus, I'm not sure how to go about making new ones IRL. The teacher I work with, who's students I've borrowed this semester, and I have become good friends, but I'm sure that will not last after the semester is over. This is just because she has five kids and three grand kids (and is only one year older than me!). She's got her life. And so does everyone else my age. And I'm always very busy. Maybe some day I'll figure this out!
Anyway, I've confronted my friends about how un-friendly they're being at the moment--and the list of graduation gifts is growing! Ha! I'm going to take them all, too! But it sucks that much more because I'll end up moving too far away to see them before school starts.
The day after graduation is Mother's Day and I'm taking my boy to Magic Springs, a local fun park. He deserves it and I'm looking forward to spending the fun time together with him. He has missed me soooo much. I've been working when not studying and studying when not working for so long. He's very excited that I have some time after school now. He loves me!!
I said I try not to have heavy blogs, but life is heavy sometimes. My mom just got out of hospital again today--the third hospitalization since Easter. I really wish I knew what to do next. I don't want to move to TX, and TX doesn't have reciprocal licensing practice with AR. I couldn't get licensed there before the next school year, so moving there might mean another year of hard living in a place I don't even want to be. But I'd like to be able to see my mom. I just don't know.
I'm sure there's more stuff, but I gotta get to bed now. Good night!
Yes, I know my friends aren't proper "friends" any more, but they're the closest I have to life long friends. Plus, I'm not sure how to go about making new ones IRL. The teacher I work with, who's students I've borrowed this semester, and I have become good friends, but I'm sure that will not last after the semester is over. This is just because she has five kids and three grand kids (and is only one year older than me!). She's got her life. And so does everyone else my age. And I'm always very busy. Maybe some day I'll figure this out!
Anyway, I've confronted my friends about how un-friendly they're being at the moment--and the list of graduation gifts is growing! Ha! I'm going to take them all, too! But it sucks that much more because I'll end up moving too far away to see them before school starts.
The day after graduation is Mother's Day and I'm taking my boy to Magic Springs, a local fun park. He deserves it and I'm looking forward to spending the fun time together with him. He has missed me soooo much. I've been working when not studying and studying when not working for so long. He's very excited that I have some time after school now. He loves me!!
I said I try not to have heavy blogs, but life is heavy sometimes. My mom just got out of hospital again today--the third hospitalization since Easter. I really wish I knew what to do next. I don't want to move to TX, and TX doesn't have reciprocal licensing practice with AR. I couldn't get licensed there before the next school year, so moving there might mean another year of hard living in a place I don't even want to be. But I'd like to be able to see my mom. I just don't know.
I'm sure there's more stuff, but I gotta get to bed now. Good night!
Monday, April 27, 2009
The End is Near
Friday is the day! All work must be submitted by Friday. Then I have one more week of school--just for good measure. I'll graduate on May 9, 2009. I want to be excited, but I have few friends here, fewer family members, and those friends that I have have already expressed their disinterest in attending my graduation. I'm pretty pissed, actually. I may actually have to hire a sitter for graduation so that I don't have to leave my son seated by himself while I walk. I haven't cried much through a lot of very hard and very sad shit in these last three and a half years, but I cried the other day over my friends and their lack of enthusiasm. Of course, this is no different than any other thing since I've been back, but it hurt quite a bit to hear that they can't be bothered with a 45 minute drive on my account. These same friends still wonder why in the world I miss Taiwan so much. I guess this is what one gets for being gone for so long. I should be feeling very excited now, but I'm really feeling crushingly lonley. I try not to have heavy blogs. I'm doing pretty damn good for myself I think, all things considering. I guess I just would like someone else to give a damn.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Little Mermaid
Yep, that's my boy! He cracks me up and I love him more than life. We took a little trip to Hot Springs, AR and went into a kind of curosity shop there. That's a stuffed real lion in the background. My boy thought I was ahead of him and was suprized when I turned and snapped the photo from closer than he though! The shot I missed was the one of his big cheese eating grin right after the flash went off!
We stayed three days, which was really two days too many. I was very ready to be home the third day, but I did get to use the time to read my book through. Wonderful book, by the way, Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neal Hurston. Yummy enough to eat with a spoon! Such brilliant, rich imagery, ". . . scents were crushed from the earth by his feet . . . ." Yes!
Also lost a few bucks at the horse races. My horse in this race was so far behind that he's not eve in the shot! He was 50 to 1. Didn't work out this time, but those are my kind of odds!
Now that I know how to put photos in here, I guess I'll do it more often.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Spring Break a Leg!
Finally! Spring break has begun! On the way out of the building today I caught my heel on a ridge in the sidewalk and down I went! Very embarrassing, but not really broken, just wrenched a bit so that it's painful. The Friday before Spring break last year, I went down a flight of stairs on my bottom and broke my tail bone! Such grace is surely rare.
I have to clean my house tomorrow. It's a pit, but I can't help it--I'm only here after school and have to feed my son, make sure he's had a bath, do homework of my own and grad papers, and whatever else I can get done before falling into bed. The house simply HAS to be the last priority. But the maintenance came in to "make a repair," though, I have no idea what needed reparing, and now I've got an ugly letter bitching about it. Bastids. I'm only one person, and I'm not actually a pig when I have a choice about it.
But then, Monday is for business and Tuesday I intend to be out of here for at least three days! My boy is really looking forward to the break, too and I've promised to play checkers with him a LOT! Yahoo! And when we come back there are only 5 weeks left--and one of those will be nothing but standardised testing! Almost done, baby! Almost!
Still have NO idea what will come after. No idea at ALL!
I have to clean my house tomorrow. It's a pit, but I can't help it--I'm only here after school and have to feed my son, make sure he's had a bath, do homework of my own and grad papers, and whatever else I can get done before falling into bed. The house simply HAS to be the last priority. But the maintenance came in to "make a repair," though, I have no idea what needed reparing, and now I've got an ugly letter bitching about it. Bastids. I'm only one person, and I'm not actually a pig when I have a choice about it.
But then, Monday is for business and Tuesday I intend to be out of here for at least three days! My boy is really looking forward to the break, too and I've promised to play checkers with him a LOT! Yahoo! And when we come back there are only 5 weeks left--and one of those will be nothing but standardised testing! Almost done, baby! Almost!
Still have NO idea what will come after. No idea at ALL!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Warm Stars
I know it's been ages since I've posted. I'm going through a strange time. I don't really know how to say whatever it is I need to say. The words are all tangled and I can't work them out.
I took my last praxis exam yesterday and may have blown it. I know how they score these things, but not how they're weighted. I bet I blew it, though, and won't know for a month. I'd do smashingly well, too, if I took it again. Maybe I should just schedule the next one and not wait for results? I know I screwed up and how, and why. Just don't know how much it will matter. I'm guessing just enough to kill my chances. Anyway, this is like a anchor around my neck at the moment.
I also am feeling pretty damn pissed at my "friends" at the moment. I had to drive three hours to take this test in the first place and started asking two weeks ago if one of them could keep my boy over night so I could drive up the night before and be rested for the exam. One will not even let him play at her house because her boyfriend is a petty asshole. Just too much to write out now, but he's mad at me because I refused to live in his slummy house, which is not fit for animals, when I moved here.
The other, my best friend from childhood, likes to subtly imply that I'm not a good enough parent. Her two are adopted and, in my opinion, she has spent a lot of time playing parent, though she's getting better. But she and her husband are offended by the words "penis" and "vagina," for the sake of Sam, and don't like it that I answer his questions about the body and sexual issues, like where babies come from, in a frank and truthful way.
They also act like I'm a terrible mother because I don't force my son to go to bed alone at night. It's just the two of us. We go to bed at the same time and if I need to, I get back up when he's asleep. What the hell's wrong with that? But then, we aren't really friends any longer. That kills me, but we never talk, even now she's pregnant with her own child, she never has anything to say to me. I'm heartbroken and pissed off.
And I had to take my son with me and leave him unattended for almost 2 hours while I took the test. He was fine, but I was so worried about him. That did not help things at all. I'm sure when they find out that this is the way I handled the situation, she and her husband will go home and talk about how they would NEVER have done such a thing with their kids. Well, they have motherfucking options, now don't they!
This is one huge reason I still consider teaching overseas again once I'm done with this. As a foreigner overseas, there's a built in support network to some extent and it's much easier to find domestic help when needed. I have no family to speak of but my mom, and she's so feeble these days. I don't think I'll have her around much longer and don't want to miss the end of her life, but this is very, very, very hard to do--life with no support system and a child to care for.
All day long, I've felt like I was beaten with hoses last night, but feel a little better now. I guess just needed to express some of this. Maybe now I can write my lesson plans. I have to be videoed in the morning. Lord, please let this go well!
Oh, the title. I'm cold. It's gotten cold here again. I keep hopping the last cold spell has past and Spring will stick, but not yet, apparently. I could use a warm night, on top of a hill somewhere, with a clear sky full of stars. I LOVE the stars. I used to want very badly to become an astronaut because I wanted to get closer to them. They still take my breath away, and I could use some time alone with them.
I took my last praxis exam yesterday and may have blown it. I know how they score these things, but not how they're weighted. I bet I blew it, though, and won't know for a month. I'd do smashingly well, too, if I took it again. Maybe I should just schedule the next one and not wait for results? I know I screwed up and how, and why. Just don't know how much it will matter. I'm guessing just enough to kill my chances. Anyway, this is like a anchor around my neck at the moment.
I also am feeling pretty damn pissed at my "friends" at the moment. I had to drive three hours to take this test in the first place and started asking two weeks ago if one of them could keep my boy over night so I could drive up the night before and be rested for the exam. One will not even let him play at her house because her boyfriend is a petty asshole. Just too much to write out now, but he's mad at me because I refused to live in his slummy house, which is not fit for animals, when I moved here.
The other, my best friend from childhood, likes to subtly imply that I'm not a good enough parent. Her two are adopted and, in my opinion, she has spent a lot of time playing parent, though she's getting better. But she and her husband are offended by the words "penis" and "vagina," for the sake of Sam, and don't like it that I answer his questions about the body and sexual issues, like where babies come from, in a frank and truthful way.
They also act like I'm a terrible mother because I don't force my son to go to bed alone at night. It's just the two of us. We go to bed at the same time and if I need to, I get back up when he's asleep. What the hell's wrong with that? But then, we aren't really friends any longer. That kills me, but we never talk, even now she's pregnant with her own child, she never has anything to say to me. I'm heartbroken and pissed off.
And I had to take my son with me and leave him unattended for almost 2 hours while I took the test. He was fine, but I was so worried about him. That did not help things at all. I'm sure when they find out that this is the way I handled the situation, she and her husband will go home and talk about how they would NEVER have done such a thing with their kids. Well, they have motherfucking options, now don't they!
This is one huge reason I still consider teaching overseas again once I'm done with this. As a foreigner overseas, there's a built in support network to some extent and it's much easier to find domestic help when needed. I have no family to speak of but my mom, and she's so feeble these days. I don't think I'll have her around much longer and don't want to miss the end of her life, but this is very, very, very hard to do--life with no support system and a child to care for.
All day long, I've felt like I was beaten with hoses last night, but feel a little better now. I guess just needed to express some of this. Maybe now I can write my lesson plans. I have to be videoed in the morning. Lord, please let this go well!
Oh, the title. I'm cold. It's gotten cold here again. I keep hopping the last cold spell has past and Spring will stick, but not yet, apparently. I could use a warm night, on top of a hill somewhere, with a clear sky full of stars. I LOVE the stars. I used to want very badly to become an astronaut because I wanted to get closer to them. They still take my breath away, and I could use some time alone with them.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Battered, deep-fried corn on the cob.
I went home from school with a fever Monday and the Monday before, too. Monday afternoon fever. Doesn't have the same ring as Saturday Night Fever, does it? I don't know what's up with that. Too many kids with too many germes, and not enough love to go 'round. Well, that bit about the love is a bit of a non-sequiter, eh? Bit of a song just jumped right in there on me.
Need to do a theme unit. Thought I'd do one on travel, of course. The kids, even the teacher, are all a bit awed by the fact that I have lived overseas. Today, the teacher was introducing The Cask of Amontillado, by Edgar Allan Poe, and asked me if I would pronounce "amantillado" for them because, "Miss ----- has a good command of many languages." The same kind of thing happened as they were reading a play based on the Diary of Anne Frank, and they all expected me to be able to properly pronounce German.
This is, of course, because I speak Spanish and an impressive little Mandarin.
I just don't know what to say about that.
Anyway, I hope it will be fun, but I'd hoped not to do it yet. Just leaned today that I need to be ready to start this on Monday. The good thing, though, is that I can do it again next nine weeks because the reading class we've chosen to do it with is going to rotate, and we'll have new students. So, if I'm observed then, it will have been after a practice run.
The principal came to me today and asked me to sub for another English teacher for two hours. My teacher was, thankfully, thinking more clearly and she subbed for the other teacher while I took her classes--one of those was prep! But it really made a lot more sense.
One thing I don't really like is that my teacher, who is a very good teacher, of course, is a bit . . . OCD. She asked me today not to click my pen unless I was using it. Well, I guess that can be anoying, but she also won't use a pen after me--or after anyone else--if she realizes someone else has just used it.
She doesn't allow the students out of their seats at all. For some classes, this is understandable, but for some it doesn't make much sense. I had some seventh graders doing some board work today and they were just too thrilled get up and come to the board! But after class she told me how she just didn't like to do that with them because they get distracted by getting to move and she has to re-foccus them.
All that's okay, but she has to speak sharply to them to get them to respond to her. I don't really know why this is, just her style, maybe, or whatever, but I don't like it. I really don't like to have to do this kind of thing, but because it's the way she does it, they don't really respond to anything else. I'd like to try some other methods of classroom management--such as standing quietly until they realize they're being disruptive, or standing in their personal space, or other subtle things. However these things take time and at first there would be some serious disruption--including kids out of their seats. I'm sure she'd step in when she couldn't handle the rowdiness.
Otherwise, things are okay, I guess. She's big on worksheets and has books full of them that she uses. I'm not used to having such resources, so I've always made my own. Durring prep today, I was making one on subject compliments and the use of colons. Two lessons in one--both just review, but I liked the idea of one less worksheet. She came in and found it and printed it out to use with a resource class that hour--which was okay--accept that it wasn't finished! But I guess that wasn't my fault, though. It's good she wanted to use my work. I think she's starting to realize that I do actually know a little bit about this stuff, I just look dumb sometimes because I'm nervous and/or feverish.
My first observation is comming up late this month!
OH! And the one gas station in this town is also the only RESTURANT in this town. They sell battered, deep-fried corn on the cob. BATTERED, DEEP-FRIED CORN ON THE COB. wow.
Need to do a theme unit. Thought I'd do one on travel, of course. The kids, even the teacher, are all a bit awed by the fact that I have lived overseas. Today, the teacher was introducing The Cask of Amontillado, by Edgar Allan Poe, and asked me if I would pronounce "amantillado" for them because, "Miss ----- has a good command of many languages." The same kind of thing happened as they were reading a play based on the Diary of Anne Frank, and they all expected me to be able to properly pronounce German.
This is, of course, because I speak Spanish and an impressive little Mandarin.
I just don't know what to say about that.
Anyway, I hope it will be fun, but I'd hoped not to do it yet. Just leaned today that I need to be ready to start this on Monday. The good thing, though, is that I can do it again next nine weeks because the reading class we've chosen to do it with is going to rotate, and we'll have new students. So, if I'm observed then, it will have been after a practice run.
The principal came to me today and asked me to sub for another English teacher for two hours. My teacher was, thankfully, thinking more clearly and she subbed for the other teacher while I took her classes--one of those was prep! But it really made a lot more sense.
One thing I don't really like is that my teacher, who is a very good teacher, of course, is a bit . . . OCD. She asked me today not to click my pen unless I was using it. Well, I guess that can be anoying, but she also won't use a pen after me--or after anyone else--if she realizes someone else has just used it.
She doesn't allow the students out of their seats at all. For some classes, this is understandable, but for some it doesn't make much sense. I had some seventh graders doing some board work today and they were just too thrilled get up and come to the board! But after class she told me how she just didn't like to do that with them because they get distracted by getting to move and she has to re-foccus them.
All that's okay, but she has to speak sharply to them to get them to respond to her. I don't really know why this is, just her style, maybe, or whatever, but I don't like it. I really don't like to have to do this kind of thing, but because it's the way she does it, they don't really respond to anything else. I'd like to try some other methods of classroom management--such as standing quietly until they realize they're being disruptive, or standing in their personal space, or other subtle things. However these things take time and at first there would be some serious disruption--including kids out of their seats. I'm sure she'd step in when she couldn't handle the rowdiness.
Otherwise, things are okay, I guess. She's big on worksheets and has books full of them that she uses. I'm not used to having such resources, so I've always made my own. Durring prep today, I was making one on subject compliments and the use of colons. Two lessons in one--both just review, but I liked the idea of one less worksheet. She came in and found it and printed it out to use with a resource class that hour--which was okay--accept that it wasn't finished! But I guess that wasn't my fault, though. It's good she wanted to use my work. I think she's starting to realize that I do actually know a little bit about this stuff, I just look dumb sometimes because I'm nervous and/or feverish.
My first observation is comming up late this month!
OH! And the one gas station in this town is also the only RESTURANT in this town. They sell battered, deep-fried corn on the cob. BATTERED, DEEP-FRIED CORN ON THE COB. wow.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Go Fly A Kite!
Ahh. There is a part of me that is flying, like a kite in a gale, and I'm almost out of string already, the last bit it cutting into my fingers, and I don't mind being cut and bleeding a bit, but I'm getting nervous I'm going to lose myself. The flight though! It's so exhilarating--I almost can't catch my breath!
He's still breaking into my conscience uninvited. He's sleeping with other women, not enjoying it, talking to me about it, still talking to me, thinking of me instead of calling the local girl. He likes me. Like for real . . . . he does. He's talking about what will really happen when we have to talk face to face. He is concerned about hurting me. He is showing his hand, a bit. He is me in another skin, but the darker parts. I love that I can't resist him, and I hate that I can't resist him. I don't even give a damn that he slept with the other girl. Because it wasn't all that great? Because I have both feet on the ground?
If I keep hold of the kite string, I'll lose my footing, and if I let it go, I'm lost completely.
Took my son to fly a kite yesterday and met a new friend who's a single mom with two kids. Her daughter and my son played so well together. I spent some time at her house this afternoon, helping her fold laundry. It's good to have a friend and she wants to write a book--sounds interesting. She has a degree in early childhood ed, but isn't working.
I don't know, though. I feel reserved about something and I'm not wrong. She's a lot younger than I am, I'm sure. Anyway, it's nice to have a friend for as long as it lasts.
School again tomorrow. I'm all nervous beyond expression. I feel completely out of my depth and like I've never done this before. But in town this weekend I ran into two different students who said hi and were friendly. One was a tenth grader who's mother I tried to say hello to, but she didn't speak to me--maybe didn't hear me? I overheard her teasing him about having a girlfriend when I walked away. Good grief.
I don't know why this is so hard. I looked forward to this semester so much and now it's here I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like the teacher is testing me over my grasp of grammar and that I'm not impressing her. I'm not impressing myself, either, though. Don't teach much pure grammar, complex-compound sentence structure, or predicate adjectives in ESL classes. I graduated with my BA English 13 years ago, for goodness sake.
Besides all that, just knowing that every single move I make is being closely watched and reported and gossiped about has me so completely self conscious I almost can't function.
YiPPie!
He's still breaking into my conscience uninvited. He's sleeping with other women, not enjoying it, talking to me about it, still talking to me, thinking of me instead of calling the local girl. He likes me. Like for real . . . . he does. He's talking about what will really happen when we have to talk face to face. He is concerned about hurting me. He is showing his hand, a bit. He is me in another skin, but the darker parts. I love that I can't resist him, and I hate that I can't resist him. I don't even give a damn that he slept with the other girl. Because it wasn't all that great? Because I have both feet on the ground?
If I keep hold of the kite string, I'll lose my footing, and if I let it go, I'm lost completely.
Took my son to fly a kite yesterday and met a new friend who's a single mom with two kids. Her daughter and my son played so well together. I spent some time at her house this afternoon, helping her fold laundry. It's good to have a friend and she wants to write a book--sounds interesting. She has a degree in early childhood ed, but isn't working.
I don't know, though. I feel reserved about something and I'm not wrong. She's a lot younger than I am, I'm sure. Anyway, it's nice to have a friend for as long as it lasts.
School again tomorrow. I'm all nervous beyond expression. I feel completely out of my depth and like I've never done this before. But in town this weekend I ran into two different students who said hi and were friendly. One was a tenth grader who's mother I tried to say hello to, but she didn't speak to me--maybe didn't hear me? I overheard her teasing him about having a girlfriend when I walked away. Good grief.
I don't know why this is so hard. I looked forward to this semester so much and now it's here I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like the teacher is testing me over my grasp of grammar and that I'm not impressing her. I'm not impressing myself, either, though. Don't teach much pure grammar, complex-compound sentence structure, or predicate adjectives in ESL classes. I graduated with my BA English 13 years ago, for goodness sake.
Besides all that, just knowing that every single move I make is being closely watched and reported and gossiped about has me so completely self conscious I almost can't function.
YiPPie!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Music and Whisky
I missed the rhythm with my friend last time. Missing a lot these days. Missing Chinese New Year. Too bad he's checking out for it, but Music and Whisky are the essence of him, really--and fire and, and water, and the night sky.
Well, he's one half of me, not the other.
I wonder if there's really any place where I can be all of who I am. At least there's someone who knows half of me.
Blah.
Well, he's one half of me, not the other.
I wonder if there's really any place where I can be all of who I am. At least there's someone who knows half of me.
Blah.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Brother & Sister-out-law
Got a call today from the brother of my ex. He just returned to Taiwan last November after living for 10 years in the States. His situation back home is strange.
Everyone wanted him home, he finally went home, but no one will hire him because he needs to do military service (he didn't think he was going to have to), so now he's broke and no one wants anything to do with him! Absolutly insane family.
So, he's gonna go spend a year in Singapore, where his filthy stinking ritch boyfriend lives, to get residency there.
Everyone wanted him to come home and care for his ailing parents. His four sisters have been sharing the job, but all of them irritated at him for living the good life in the States while they have to do "his" job back home. He can't earn money to take care of them, so now no one cares! Really shitty family, eh?
My ex didn't even bother to see him while he was in town and only briefly spoke to him on the phone.
And our lives have their similarities, let me tell you! For one thing, everyone wanted me to come back "home" too, but once I got here no one wanted anything to do with me, either.
My sister-in-law, in fact, went to see my mom in the nursing home today to order her not to call my brother any more because she's bothering him.
Ain't family GREAT?
Everyone wanted him home, he finally went home, but no one will hire him because he needs to do military service (he didn't think he was going to have to), so now he's broke and no one wants anything to do with him! Absolutly insane family.
So, he's gonna go spend a year in Singapore, where his filthy stinking ritch boyfriend lives, to get residency there.
Everyone wanted him to come home and care for his ailing parents. His four sisters have been sharing the job, but all of them irritated at him for living the good life in the States while they have to do "his" job back home. He can't earn money to take care of them, so now no one cares! Really shitty family, eh?
My ex didn't even bother to see him while he was in town and only briefly spoke to him on the phone.
And our lives have their similarities, let me tell you! For one thing, everyone wanted me to come back "home" too, but once I got here no one wanted anything to do with me, either.
My sister-in-law, in fact, went to see my mom in the nursing home today to order her not to call my brother any more because she's bothering him.
Ain't family GREAT?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Where's the bottom and are you happy with who's topping?
I'm not sure how valid this is, but I'd put a little money behind it.
I'm just thinking. Actually, the last few days I've been pretty depressive and I don't know why. so, anyway, maybe this is kind of depressive, too, but I was thinking of driving in Taiwan, for some reason.
When you first get to Taiwan, you can't believe the traffic. It's absolutely horrific. Before I got to Taiwan, I had made friends with lots of Taiwanese--who told me I drove like a Taiwanese taxi driver. So, when I first got there, I felt insulted.
Then I started driving there--a huge American car. And I was ACE at it!
It was very stressful but man, you gotta have real skills to drive with the natives--I'm talking actual driving skills. Here in Norte America, you can get by just keeping it between the lines and not being TOO much of an idiot. In Taiwan, you MUST learn to use your side mirrors, learn to parallel park--which I'd never done before--and you really need to be able to drive as well in reverse as you do forward--so you can park or back out again.
Let me tell you, I park and I'm amazing in reverse!! I really am!!
The depressive thing is that no one here thinks I know shit about crap. Not long after I got back, a friend (supposedly my best one--another depressing thing is coming to grips with the fact that I really haven't had a best friend in years, but that's another entry.) was stuck in a tight spot with a steep drop off behind her and needed to back up to turn around. Would she take my word and let me back her out? Of course not. She had to call her husband.
This is the same friend who learned to drive a stick and used to have to call her dad or husband (then boyfriend) to get her up a damn hill. Once I was with her and refused to let her call. I got out and behind the car to "push"--and be a victim if my faith in her was misplaced, and forced her to drive herself out of the ditch she'd rolled backward into.
And I've felt like this my entire life around here. I had to go move to another country to be taken seriously enough to be given a chance to do anything well. I never would have learned to drive here--I mean really drive.
I don't know. Maybe I give off some kind of "dumb" vibe. A girl who liked me liked me once said that I was actually very smart, but I just acted silly. I don't think I act silly, I just don't play games and don't, DON'T, like people putting on airs. I know a lot of stuff, but so does everyone. Different people know different stuff. This way no one has to know everything see? It all works out. So I don't people who feel too "special," and I don't do that. So, I get no respect?
I guess I'm writing this now cause I'm starting to feel this way again. Spoke to some real jerks the other day who managed to make me feel beneath them with "subtle" look and condescending tone. I detest them for doing it--they don't know me from Joe--but I detest myself for allowing them to get to me.
I'm just thinking. Actually, the last few days I've been pretty depressive and I don't know why. so, anyway, maybe this is kind of depressive, too, but I was thinking of driving in Taiwan, for some reason.
When you first get to Taiwan, you can't believe the traffic. It's absolutely horrific. Before I got to Taiwan, I had made friends with lots of Taiwanese--who told me I drove like a Taiwanese taxi driver. So, when I first got there, I felt insulted.
Then I started driving there--a huge American car. And I was ACE at it!
It was very stressful but man, you gotta have real skills to drive with the natives--I'm talking actual driving skills. Here in Norte America, you can get by just keeping it between the lines and not being TOO much of an idiot. In Taiwan, you MUST learn to use your side mirrors, learn to parallel park--which I'd never done before--and you really need to be able to drive as well in reverse as you do forward--so you can park or back out again.
Let me tell you, I park and I'm amazing in reverse!! I really am!!
The depressive thing is that no one here thinks I know shit about crap. Not long after I got back, a friend (supposedly my best one--another depressing thing is coming to grips with the fact that I really haven't had a best friend in years, but that's another entry.) was stuck in a tight spot with a steep drop off behind her and needed to back up to turn around. Would she take my word and let me back her out? Of course not. She had to call her husband.
This is the same friend who learned to drive a stick and used to have to call her dad or husband (then boyfriend) to get her up a damn hill. Once I was with her and refused to let her call. I got out and behind the car to "push"--and be a victim if my faith in her was misplaced, and forced her to drive herself out of the ditch she'd rolled backward into.
And I've felt like this my entire life around here. I had to go move to another country to be taken seriously enough to be given a chance to do anything well. I never would have learned to drive here--I mean really drive.
I don't know. Maybe I give off some kind of "dumb" vibe. A girl who liked me liked me once said that I was actually very smart, but I just acted silly. I don't think I act silly, I just don't play games and don't, DON'T, like people putting on airs. I know a lot of stuff, but so does everyone. Different people know different stuff. This way no one has to know everything see? It all works out. So I don't people who feel too "special," and I don't do that. So, I get no respect?
I guess I'm writing this now cause I'm starting to feel this way again. Spoke to some real jerks the other day who managed to make me feel beneath them with "subtle" look and condescending tone. I detest them for doing it--they don't know me from Joe--but I detest myself for allowing them to get to me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
No Poet
It's been a bussy little while. I've gotten moved to the new appartment--still putting things together and away. It's not as pretty outside, and inside the stairs are a bit of a pain, but there is a much larger kitchen and I have my own washer and dryer and they're big enough to wash an entire load. Yippie! So now I'm doing a lot of laundry.
still haven't been able to find a nursing home here with room for my mom that can also get her to dialysis.
Have found out that my instructor for internship will be the department head, who I'm pretty sure isn't happy with me for insisting on doing internship while not employed.
I'm tired. Very tired.
I haven't heard from my favorite tomcat all year so far . . . . . . .
This entry isn't very poetic: they have been so far, for some reason.
still haven't been able to find a nursing home here with room for my mom that can also get her to dialysis.
Have found out that my instructor for internship will be the department head, who I'm pretty sure isn't happy with me for insisting on doing internship while not employed.
I'm tired. Very tired.
I haven't heard from my favorite tomcat all year so far . . . . . . .
This entry isn't very poetic: they have been so far, for some reason.
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