Brrrrpp! Pardon me.

Walked across the stage without falling on my face. My son, according to the babysitter I hired, spent most of the long, boring ceremony intentionally burping.

Now, if anyone out there is reading this, just kindly tell me what I should do with my life now. I've been contacted by a new American school in Hsinchu about teaching there. Just contacted, so don't know any details yet.

If I'm honest, I really, really want to go back. I have no idea if this is the best thing or not. I could find a job here. I may be able to find one TX near my mother. But I feel dreary and tired just thinking about working in the States. I don't know why. And of course, the Taiwan option is not without problems. And my poor mother is so sad and lonely.

My brother stopped by her room on his way to work yesterday (Mother's Day) for about 5 minutes, she said, and brought her, a diabetic, a bag of chocolates as a gift. And this after his wife yelled at her on the phone for asking for money to buy soft drinks.

I realize that my mother needs me, and I care very much. But she's sooo needy and I'm afraid I can't handle it. This has not been easy at all. Writing this, I think I like the Taiwan option because it's easier for me. I've been through so much tough stuff, for so long, that I'm really quite worn out in many ways.

I guess I'm pretty damn tough. I'm tougher than I thought, I guess. But I do really need some down time. Something has to give or I just will not be able to maintain. I can't see myself trying to get a job, move, move my mother, or move all the way to TX to be near her and having to deal with my brother's family and their sh*t, and then starting the new job.

The job in Taiwan will be settled, if I get it, in a week or two. That lets me off the hook for job searching, gives me a month or two for just enjoying my boy and getting ready to go, gives me a life already pretty well set up when I get there, and I'll have the support of some friends and ex-family members when I get there.

In other words, a break and a soft landing in a place I love and miss v/s a scramble for interviews and a difficult move with lots of drama if I stay here. I wish I could say I know my mom would do it for me. Well, she would now, I'm pretty sure, but she wouldn't always have, I don't think. Still, she only has so long. And once she's gone I'll likely never talk to my brother again. God!

I really need the stress to stop. I want it to be okay to just be who I am. I didn't choose the way I grew up and how it's affected my family, but this is a consequence of that. I know I won't regret spending time with my mom, but I'm not sure I can stand the stress of it, either.