Ahh. There is a part of me that is flying, like a kite in a gale, and I'm almost out of string already, the last bit it cutting into my fingers, and I don't mind being cut and bleeding a bit, but I'm getting nervous I'm going to lose myself. The flight though! It's so exhilarating--I almost can't catch my breath!
He's still breaking into my conscience uninvited. He's sleeping with other women, not enjoying it, talking to me about it, still talking to me, thinking of me instead of calling the local girl. He likes me. Like for real . . . . he does. He's talking about what will really happen when we have to talk face to face. He is concerned about hurting me. He is showing his hand, a bit. He is me in another skin, but the darker parts. I love that I can't resist him, and I hate that I can't resist him. I don't even give a damn that he slept with the other girl. Because it wasn't all that great? Because I have both feet on the ground?
If I keep hold of the kite string, I'll lose my footing, and if I let it go, I'm lost completely.
Took my son to fly a kite yesterday and met a new friend who's a single mom with two kids. Her daughter and my son played so well together. I spent some time at her house this afternoon, helping her fold laundry. It's good to have a friend and she wants to write a book--sounds interesting. She has a degree in early childhood ed, but isn't working.
I don't know, though. I feel reserved about something and I'm not wrong. She's a lot younger than I am, I'm sure. Anyway, it's nice to have a friend for as long as it lasts.
School again tomorrow. I'm all nervous beyond expression. I feel completely out of my depth and like I've never done this before. But in town this weekend I ran into two different students who said hi and were friendly. One was a tenth grader who's mother I tried to say hello to, but she didn't speak to me--maybe didn't hear me? I overheard her teasing him about having a girlfriend when I walked away. Good grief.
I don't know why this is so hard. I looked forward to this semester so much and now it's here I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like the teacher is testing me over my grasp of grammar and that I'm not impressing her. I'm not impressing myself, either, though. Don't teach much pure grammar, complex-compound sentence structure, or predicate adjectives in ESL classes. I graduated with my BA English 13 years ago, for goodness sake.
Besides all that, just knowing that every single move I make is being closely watched and reported and gossiped about has me so completely self conscious I almost can't function.
YiPPie!
6 comments:
You'll get through: observation is stressful, even if you don't care (like at my last job).
It'll get easier, slowly but surely. Jiayou, you're doing great.
Thank you. I'm getting the groove back, but slowly. I keep wanting to teach these kiddos like I did my ESLers. Yes, I know the grammar, but I'm not used to teaching it. It's come back now, just getting used to the rythm is taking a while. Have to be vidio recorded in the morning. YUCK! Oh, and sorry this has taken so long.
I admire you. Teaching in Taiwan kicked all the interest I had in teaching clean out of me. I'm doing OK in publishing, though. I got a job, anyway, which is more than many, these days...
Of course you have a job! You're wonderful at what you do and I can tell just from reading what you post on the flob. But you're right, in this day it's not good to take anything for granted. I wish I could come hang out with you in England. I'd love to meet you someday, anyway. Plus, well, I'm just tiching to travel again. I keep telling myself to settle down, damnit.
I missed this comment! It's a shame our paths never crossed earlier. I met some great people through that site, hate it though I do...
'Wonderful' - nowhere close, even. I'm a pretender.
Settling down ain't easy, is it? The main thing that winds me up here is the enormous cost of housing in the SE. If I stay in publishing, in this city, I'll never own my own home, which is a sobering thought. But hey, I wouldn't have if I'd stayed in Taiwan, either.
Huge wanderlust, all the time. Security is the key, not staying in one place. If you can travel and provide for your son, you don;t need to 'settle down'.
No idea what my long term plans are. I'd love to go back to Taiwan but that's not really feasible without PARC. Who does know what they want, anyway? I wonder how life would have been if I'd had kids.
Hey--Don't know how I missed this, but I did.
Wonering about live with kids. I guess it's hard to know. I love mine and can't imagine life without him. I feel like, looking back, I was so very selfish before I had him. I didn't think about what my decisions might mean for any future children--not even the importance of picking a great dad for them.
But then, that's a parent thing--thinking about what things will mean to the kids. I wasn't a parent then. I had only myself to take care of and didn't care if I ever owend a home. Now, I care because of him. But ther is no use in looking back. Use the rear view mirrior for safty issues only.
I'm in the same kind of place about the house, though. Even if I improve my credit enough to get a loan, I'll never be able to work long enough to pay it off!
Ah, well. Tonight, my son's friend is sleeping over. It's their last chance to spend time together. I feel kinda sad for them. They're great buddies.
Hey, that's one thing that's different about having kids--sleepovers are VERY different!
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