You'll never make me stay
So take your weight off of me
I know your every move
So won't you just let me be
I've been here times before
But I was to blind to see
That you seduce every girl
This time you won't seduce me
He's saying that's ok
Hey baby do what you please
I have the stuff the you want
I am the thing that you need
Oh, have mercy!
What am I fighting this for, again?
Whew. Excuse me. I need to, um, get some . . .
Some AIR! Damnit. Oh, have mercy!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Something Is Wrong With Me
All I want to do is whine, bitch, moan, and complain. It's not all bad, though. I'm just . . . unhappy.
I should be thrilled. Well. Shouldn't I?
9 weeks ago I had 17 severely emotionally/behaviorally handicapped kids and all but one of them also has some degree of MR.
Now, I have 10 (some went to high school, some were kicked out of school) and they can all, for the most part, sit in their desks and stay mostly on task. They ARE all learning, and that's the biggest deal for me, after getting their behavior to a point where I'm reasonably sure none of them are going to try to kill any of the others of them.
Now, I only have to deal with stuff like:
A kid's mom, who will NOT answer the phone if the number is from school, calling directly to my classroom and cussing her kid out over the phone for wearing the wrong pair of shoes to school. (This woman sings in the church choir.)
A thirteen year old MR girl who is very over sexed and touches herself in class for the attention of the boys.
A child who comes to school with cigarette burns on his face and a school counselor/principal who do nothing about it. I did it myself, but if anyone finds out, I'm likely to face reprisal.
One of my favorites who gets hospitalized with sever seizures.
Complete isolation from other staff who fear my classroom.
A petty, vindictive boss (I have a lot of bosses, this is just one) who is standing in my way instead of trying to communicate. And right now her mother is deathly ill and I can't really take this up with her.
Administration that "forgets" to make schedules for my students for a month. "Forgets" that my students need to use the library, too. Refuses to allow my students to attend school Assemblies or pep rallies. Hell, my students aren't even allowed to use the same restrooms as the other kids.
I have to attend meetings, but if I try to contribute I'm deliberately spoken over.
I don't know why it needs to be like this. I had no idea that it could be this hard. And I feel really torn and frustrated with myself for feeling torn about it.
I managed not to sleep with the Spaniard again. That's good. That took a lot of will power! But this way I get to be his friend. He knows me well and always comments on how unhappy I am. I hate that, but he's right. He just is.
And again I have to face the fact that maybe I just am not cut out to be a regular American with a regular job. I want, so much, to be able to fit here. To make some kind of permanent tie to some place where I can BE for a long time.
But the people here, for the most part, are so small minded. I will NEVER EVER find a man who is willing to travel with me. Hell, it's not likely I'll ever even find one who can keep up with me intellectually. Not that I'm such hot shit, just that it's just not here. I like the Spaniard so much, and am so tempted by him, because he's an equal in the brains and whits department. God, he's so much fun to talk to! I'd love to find that in someone that I could actually BE with. That's just not available here.
I think of moving back to Taiwan all the time. I do remember the bad with the good, too. I just felt so much more alive, most of the time, there than I do here. But if I don't feel like I fit in here, how in the world is it that I feel I belong there?
Anyway, maybe I just need dreams of escape to be able not to suffocate? But I'm praying that I'll make a real, positive impact in the lives of my students this year, and then that I won't screw my own child's life up next year by moving him again.
Today was a pretty good day, over all, and it still left me in tears. And I'm a person who almost never cries because I hate crying so much. I've cried three times in these last nine weeks. Something is wrong with me.
I should be thrilled. Well. Shouldn't I?
9 weeks ago I had 17 severely emotionally/behaviorally handicapped kids and all but one of them also has some degree of MR.
Now, I have 10 (some went to high school, some were kicked out of school) and they can all, for the most part, sit in their desks and stay mostly on task. They ARE all learning, and that's the biggest deal for me, after getting their behavior to a point where I'm reasonably sure none of them are going to try to kill any of the others of them.
Now, I only have to deal with stuff like:
A kid's mom, who will NOT answer the phone if the number is from school, calling directly to my classroom and cussing her kid out over the phone for wearing the wrong pair of shoes to school. (This woman sings in the church choir.)
A thirteen year old MR girl who is very over sexed and touches herself in class for the attention of the boys.
A child who comes to school with cigarette burns on his face and a school counselor/principal who do nothing about it. I did it myself, but if anyone finds out, I'm likely to face reprisal.
One of my favorites who gets hospitalized with sever seizures.
Complete isolation from other staff who fear my classroom.
A petty, vindictive boss (I have a lot of bosses, this is just one) who is standing in my way instead of trying to communicate. And right now her mother is deathly ill and I can't really take this up with her.
Administration that "forgets" to make schedules for my students for a month. "Forgets" that my students need to use the library, too. Refuses to allow my students to attend school Assemblies or pep rallies. Hell, my students aren't even allowed to use the same restrooms as the other kids.
I have to attend meetings, but if I try to contribute I'm deliberately spoken over.
I don't know why it needs to be like this. I had no idea that it could be this hard. And I feel really torn and frustrated with myself for feeling torn about it.
I managed not to sleep with the Spaniard again. That's good. That took a lot of will power! But this way I get to be his friend. He knows me well and always comments on how unhappy I am. I hate that, but he's right. He just is.
And again I have to face the fact that maybe I just am not cut out to be a regular American with a regular job. I want, so much, to be able to fit here. To make some kind of permanent tie to some place where I can BE for a long time.
But the people here, for the most part, are so small minded. I will NEVER EVER find a man who is willing to travel with me. Hell, it's not likely I'll ever even find one who can keep up with me intellectually. Not that I'm such hot shit, just that it's just not here. I like the Spaniard so much, and am so tempted by him, because he's an equal in the brains and whits department. God, he's so much fun to talk to! I'd love to find that in someone that I could actually BE with. That's just not available here.
I think of moving back to Taiwan all the time. I do remember the bad with the good, too. I just felt so much more alive, most of the time, there than I do here. But if I don't feel like I fit in here, how in the world is it that I feel I belong there?
Anyway, maybe I just need dreams of escape to be able not to suffocate? But I'm praying that I'll make a real, positive impact in the lives of my students this year, and then that I won't screw my own child's life up next year by moving him again.
Today was a pretty good day, over all, and it still left me in tears. And I'm a person who almost never cries because I hate crying so much. I've cried three times in these last nine weeks. Something is wrong with me.
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