Winner Winner Brain Scan

So, I'd been here just over a month, I guess, when I turned on the car radio and heard, "text 'million' to #### and you could have a chance at winning one million AED!" So I did (while stationary-not while driving). And I did. Well, I didn't win a million AED, but I won a chance to sky dive and a savings bond, THEN I won a CHANCE to win a million AED. I was on stage at a big concert (Alicia Keys), and on TV and everything. I didn't win the million, but I did win a trip for two to five cities in Europe. I hope I can go. It will be this summer, if I can. It's paid for, but there's not time off now to take it. We'll see.

And in the last two weeks I've been diagnosed with both poly cystic ovary syndrome and migraine headaches. The headache was pretty spectacular and still is with me, really. I went in for a brain scan, but it had to be rescheduled.

It's now scheduled for Monday. Monday I had an appointment to be observed teaching by the biggest grown-up bully I've ever met in real life. He's my boss's boss and he's a complete waste of space, to put my feelings for him as kindly as possible. This guy was just outraged that I brought in a rental contract the other day. See, it's been three months and my rent still isn't paid (by the school. They pay, I pay them back.). But they wouldn't pay the rent because they kept insisting I had to have something new every time from the land owner. The land owner couldn't/wouldn't produce anything for two months, then the school wanted something different. Truth is, they don't want to pay. I'm still on my probation period and they could still decide to fire me. They're trying to force me to take out a loan to pay the land owner myself so that they're not stuck holding the check in case they don't like me.

Everything is a game here that's all about a Dirham. And I hate these kinds of games. Hate them very much.

Anyway, this guy blames me for not having this done. Nothing in the world I could do to have it done, but he seemed to take it personally that my rent wasn't paid yet and because of this, I did something non-academic at work--I turned the finally signed contract in (it was of course returned again without being paid). How in the hell else am I supposed to get it done and taken care of if I don't hand it in? Completely ridiculous. A fairly large kerfuffle ensued and now this guy has made it is priority to assess my teaching skill himself--to decide whether or not I'm up to the rigorous standards (cough! *crap* cough!) of this fine establishment, and if I "get" to (have) to keep working here for the rest of the contract. Or if maybe I need to be screwed with some more and made to do another observation to see if I've improved any. That seems most likely to me. Just to keep the pressure on, you know.

So, he's going to have to re-schedule his bullying now. How do you think he's going to feel about that?

And I guess when the next one comes around I might be in surgery for the ovaries. They want to do it. I'm reluctant because I have my son to take care of alone. But I have the insurance now. If I get sent back to the States, I'll never be able to afford it. Well, maybe, if the Obama care thing works out and is something I can actually pay for. But being poor in the States means being worthless, so we'll see. I guess.

All Things Great and Small

I left off lamenting for my son's education in Texas. I got a job (or thought I'd gotten a job) that took us to Arkansas, and to a kind of "ground zero" type place in our lives.

These thirteen months have seen:

Homelessness
The death of my mother
My son excelling in school while twice skipping grades (and dealing with everything else on this list)
The indescribable kindness of strangers
Betrayals that have bleed my soul
Life-long friendships sacrificed to fear and greed
Unconscionable rudeness from those meant to be helpful
Unspeakably beautiful new friendships
Moving to the other side of the world again
Unemployment, under-employment, and desperate poverty
Greater wealth than I've ever known

Breathlessness from the blinding speed of all this (and more) in the last 13 months and the difficulties of trying to adjust and keep up.

So you can understand why I say that I don't know where to start.

I couldn't keep the blog for a long time because upon the move from TX to AR my laptop was stolen. There's a book to write just about that and how, several months later, it was returned to me.

There has been so much pain. So much.

The scales of disillusionment about many of my most coveted relationships have been torn from my eyes.

I've felt more alone than ever in my life. Hollowed out, wasted, useless, and discarded kind of alone.

I've felt cared for, too. By strangers and by new and old friends who have never spoken up before.

The truth is, we can not simply keep up and adjust when things are happening so very, very swiftly. I still mourn my mother. Still find myself in tears for no reason, or unconsciously weeping. And that makes dealing with being an expatriate again in a very foreign place all that much harder. I'm too emotional and have such a hard time adjusting to the new job.

I still have trouble sleeping wondering about the callousness of people who call themselves Christian.

My faith was shaken good and hard this year by the necessity of going to "Christian" brothers and sisters to ask for help and being turned out, again and again. With no one but Christ to vouch for you, among Christians at least, you are not to be trusted in the Bible Belt. So many other single moms with their various needs and sob stories, I guess. But most didn't even offer to pray, or did but only as an afterthought.

My wonderful Atheist friends, every single one of them, offered to help if he/she could find a way to help. Many had nothing to offer but a kind word, but it was more than what most Christians held out to me.

I don't understand that. I still don't. I don't want to. This is not what the Christian faith is about. But it's what has become of Christians in AR, at least. Far and wide, the truth is that true Christians are hard to find.

I've also, through all of this, managed to somehow have more of a relationship with my brother now than since we've been 11 and 12 years old, or so. Maybe mom not being there to be the middle man has opened up an ability to talk. I don't know. I really believe that for some reason my brother has hated me with passion for a long time. No idea as to why. Honestly. But talking after mom was gone, maybe he realized that I'm not that different than he is in many ways.

Yes, we have some radically different political views, but we both are mature enough, and intelligent enough, to respect that we have our rights to these views. But we both like good music and enjoy some good jokes and both have a good sense of humor. I've lost my mom, but gained a brother, I guess. He gave me the gift of telling me he realized that he's missed me all these years. He right, of course. He has missed me. I'm fairly cool, too, in my own, words-y, unique way. And he's made me to miss him, as well. I hope he'll continue to keep in touch. I think he's still scared of me sometimes, like a feral animal trying to get used to it's new human. Or something. Or maybe I'm the feral one, or we both are. What an odd analogy for a siblinghood.

Too much has happened for any greater clarity or continuity than this.

Glad to be back "home" on the blog, because "home" anywhere else is surely a place that doesn't exist.

You can never, ever go home again.